The Dating Scene Signs of a Promising Relationship

Title:
The Dating Scene - Signs of a Promising Relationship

Word Count:
831

Summary:
Celine was just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. She was feeling anxious because she didn�t want to go through another unhappy relationship, but she didn�t trust herself to make good choices. She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising relationship from one that is bound to fail.

Keywords:
dating, relationships

Article Body:
Celine was just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. She was feeling anxious because she didn�t want to go through another unhappy relationship, but she didn�t trust herself to make good choices. She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising relationship from one that is bound to fail.

In Celine�s last relationship, she had been pulled in by Gary�s ardent pursuit of her. She had wanted to go slower but didn�t listen to herself. Instead, she gave herself up to Gary�s attention and compliments.

�Celine, my experience with men who come on strong right away is that they are often controlling and needy. Is that what happened with Gary?�

�Yes. He seemed so loving and open at the beginning, but once we were in a committed relationship, he started to pull on me for time and attention. He became critical and angry and petulant when I didn�t give him what he wanted. How could I have known all this at the beginning? What should I look for now that I�m dating again?�

Celine had gone on one date with a man named Mark. After this first date, Mark emailed her, saying that he wanted to spend a lot of time with her and go on a trip with her.

�Shades of Gary,� she said. �This is a red flag, right?�

Celine and I explored some of the red flags as well as some of the signs of a promising relationship.

SOME RED FLAGS

� Comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship.

� Becomes angry, critical or withdrawn if you say no.

� Becomes logical and tries to talk you out of your feelings or your experience. Tries to make you feel that you are wrong for your feelings or your position.

� Talks on and on about himself or herself and doesn�t ask you much about you, or is uninterested when you do talk about yourself.

� An older man or woman who has never been married and has been in a series of broken relationships.

� Numerous broken marriages.

� Has an abusive background and has not had therapy.

� Has abandoned his or her children.

� Not open to learning from relationship conflict.

� Participates in addictions that are unacceptable to you � smoking, drinking, drugs, addictive eating, gambling, TV, and so on.

� Financially irresponsible.

� Not truthful.

� Has few friends.

� Judgmental of self and others. Talks about self and others in disparaging ways.

� Is possessive and jealous. Gets upset when you do your own thing.

� Totally different views from yours regarding religion and/or spirituality.

� Few interests and hobbies.

Celine and I discussed the fact that you get what you see.

�It�s not that people can�t change,� I told her, �but you can�t change them. If he is not okay with you the way he is right now, then don�t pursue the relationship. If you are an on time person and heis always late, don�t expect this to change. If it�s not okay, then don�t pursue the relationship. Same thing with weight, being neat or messy, being a free spender or being frugal. These issues can become huge problems in relationships because people expect them to change and get very upset when they don�t.�

SOME SIGNS OF A PROMISING RELATIONSHIP

� Shows respect for your feelings and needs, even when they are different from his or her feelings and needs.

� Is able to be empathic and compassionate.

� Is interested in what you have to say and in learning about you.

� Is accepting of self and others � non-judgmental.

� Is open to exploring conflict and differences of opinion.

� Does what he or she says he or she will do.

� Cares about being responsible for children from a broken marriage � has not abandoned his or her children.

� Takes responsibility for his or her own feelings, health and well bring. Does not make you responsible for his or her feelings.

� Is financially responsible. Does not expect you to take care of him or her financially.

� If divorced, takes responsibility for his or her part of the difficulties.

� A person who was in a loving relationship and lost their mate to death. People who have been in loving relationships generally know how to have loving relationships.

� Has friends that you like.

� Talks about others in caring and supportive ways.

� Has interests and hobbies that are fulfilling to him or her.

� Similar religious or spiritual path to yours.

� Is supportive of you doing what brings you joy. Feels joy for your joy and pain for your pain.

� Can laugh at mistakes. Has a good sense of humor.

� Has balance between work and play. Knows how to work hard and how to have fun.

Before you can find the �right� person, you need to become the right person. Doing your own inner work so that you can fit the descriptions above for a promising relationship is the first step in finding a loving relationship.

Title: The Dating Scene - Signs of a Promising Relationship Word Count: 831 Summary: Celine was just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. She was feeling anxious because she didn�t want to go through another unhappy relationship, but she didn�t trust herself to make good choices. She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising relationship from one that is bound to fail. Keywords: dating, relationships Article Body: Celine was just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. She was feeling anxious because she didn�t want to go through another unhappy relationship, but she didn�t trust herself to make good choices. She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising relationship from one that is bound to fail. In Celine�s last relationship, she had been pulled in by Gary�s ardent pursuit of her. She had wanted to go slower but didn�t listen to herself. Instead, she gave herself up to Gary�s attention and compliments. �Celine, my experience with men who come on strong right away is that they are often controlling and needy. Is that what happened with Gary?� �Yes. He seemed so loving and open at the beginning, but once we were in a committed relationship, he started to pull on me for time and attention. He became critical and angry and petulant when I didn�t give him what he wanted. How could I have known all this at the beginning? What should I look for now that I�m dating again?� Celine had gone on one date with a man named Mark. After this first date, Mark emailed her, saying that he wanted to spend a lot of time with her and go on a trip with her. �Shades of Gary,� she said. �This is a red flag, right?� Celine and I explored some of the red flags as well as some of the signs of a promising relationship. SOME RED FLAGS � Comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship. � Becomes angry, critical or withdrawn if you say no. � Becomes logical and tries to talk you out of your feelings or your experience. Tries to make you feel that you are wrong for your feelings or your position. � Talks on and on about himself or herself and doesn�t ask you much about you, or is uninterested when you do talk about yourself. � An older man or woman who has never been married and has been in a series of broken relationships. � Numerous broken marriages. � Has an abusive background and has not had therapy. � Has abandoned his or her children. � Not open to learning from relationship conflict. � Participates in addictions that are unacceptable to you � smoking, drinking, drugs, addictive eating, gambling, TV, and so on. � Financially irresponsible. � Not truthful. � Has few friends. � Judgmental of self and others. Talks about self and others in disparaging ways. � Is possessive and jealous. Gets upset when you do your own thing. � Totally different views from yours regarding religion and/or spirituality. � Few interests and hobbies. Celine and I discussed the fact that you get what you see. �It�s not that people can�t change,� I told her, �but you can�t change them. If he is not okay with you the way he is right now, then don�t pursue the relationship. If you are an on time person and heis always late, don�t expect this to change. If it�s not okay, then don�t pursue the relationship. Same thing with weight, being neat or messy, being a free spender or being frugal. These issues can become huge problems in relationships because people expect them to change and get very upset when they don�t.� SOME SIGNS OF A PROMISING RELATIONSHIP � Shows respect for your feelings and needs, even when they are different from his or her feelings and needs. � Is able to be empathic and compassionate. � Is interested in what you have to say and in learning about you. � Is accepting of self and others � non-judgmental. � Is open to exploring conflict and differences of opinion. � Does what he or she says he or she will do. � Cares about being responsible for children from a broken marriage � has not abandoned his or her children. � Takes responsibility for his or her own feelings, health and well bring. Does not make you responsible for his or her feelings. � Is financially responsible. Does not expect you to take care of him or her financially. � If divorced, takes responsibility for his or her part of the difficulties. � A person who was in a loving relationship and lost their mate to death. People who have been in loving relationships generally know how to have loving relationships. � Has friends that you like. � Talks about others in caring and supportive ways. � Has interests and hobbies that are fulfilling to him or her. � Similar religious or spiritual path to yours. � Is supportive of you doing what brings you joy. Feels joy for your joy and pain for your pain. � Can laugh at mistakes. Has a good sense of humor. � Has balance between work and play. Knows how to work hard and how to have fun. Before you can find the �right� person, you need to become the right person. Doing your own inner work so that you can fit the descriptions above for a promising relationship is the first step in finding a loving relationship.

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The Dating Scene Signs of a Promising Relationship